Dulwich has participated in The Duke of Edinburgh’s International Award last year for students. It is “the world’s leading achievement award for young people, bringing together practical experiences and life skills to create committed global citizens and equipping young people for life,” according to the award’s organizers. There are three levels in the award: bronze, silver and gold. The students of Dulwich in Year 10 and 11 are currently going for the bronze award. There are four requirements needed in order to achieve the award; one of the requirements for the award is attending on an Adventurous Journey. “The aim of this section is to provide participants with the opportunity to learn more about the wider environment, as well as to develop their self-confidence, team work and health.” The time requirement for bronze is “two days and one night; average of six hours of purposeful effort per day; minimum 12 hours of purposeful effort in total”

As a light preparation for the upcoming Adventurous Journey, the participants of the International Award Program in Dulwich College Seoul hiked Gwanaksan on the 28th of February. There were 9 hikers in total, including two teachers, and the year groups of the attendants were 10 and 11. The total distance hiked was 9 km and it took approximately 5 hours.

Gwanaksan is located in Daehak-dong, Gwanak-gu, Seoul. It is 629 meters high and is the symbol and pride of Gwanak-gu district. Due to its beauty and scenery, it is popular and well-known among hikers. There are 10 hiking courses in total; the hikers of Dulwich took course 1. This course is the longest course and the basic outline of the course is: Gwaneumsa Temple → Ticket Box → Dwaejibawi Rock → Yeonjudae.

The view of the mountain when hiking was spoken to be beautiful and the hikers claimed that the nature created a sense of freshness and relaxation. “As the weather had been cold, the snow was stacked near the top of the mountain, making the experience even better,” said Patrick Lee (Y10). Though the hike was tiring, most of the students said that they would not regret this experience and that it would be memorable. They also mentioned that they felt more prepared for the Adventurous Journey after this hike. Seren Seo (Y11), one of the hikers, commented on her experience, “Tiring at the start but the view was good.” “The Gwanaksan hiking was an exhausting hike, but I was proud of myself and my friends as we didn’t give up and ended the hike successfully!” There were only positive comments for the hiking; Chris Lee (Y10) only gave a big thumbs-up.











Cho, JungWoo (Jenny)
Year 11 (Grade 10)
Dulwich College Seoul

 

Dear Jung Woo:

Congratulations! You now sound like a reporter. The piece is compact, fact based, and well organized. It has a simple but good storyline. I am glad to see that you remembered my earlier comments like:

* Every piece of writing has to have a logically flowing ‘storyline’, hopefully presented clearly too. This is true even for newspaper reporting. The ‘storyline’ should not meander or dabble in emotionalism too heavily. It needs to be brutally clear and informative, with just a touch (just a smidgen) of poetic language for good effect.

* You need to identify the persons and quote their statements...

* The 2nd paragraph is a mix of poetic observations and fact reporting. This is a newspaper report. Perhaps a better balance can be found.

* The previous sentence contains 2 main ideas and the 2nd idea (describing what the Award is) is long. So, break up the sentence into two for clarity...

* Only now, the reader is told what the relationship between ‘Adventurous Journey’ and ‘The Duke of Edinburgh’s International Award’ is. So for, the reader has been clueless as to what this article is talking about. Do you see that? Restructure the paragraph to make this clear...

* The passage that starts with “As a light...” and ends at the end of this paragraph is dangling. You are demanding the reader to reconnect this passage to the opening sentences of this article up top. Reorganize the paragraph to make the progression of thoughts/ideas/reports/background information/... smoother and easier for the reader.

* Here, you sound as though you are reporting on your own personal observation. Either report someone saying this or, if you are reporting your own observations, make sure the reader is aware of that fact.

* ...you need to work on the organization of your piece to make it clearer. Remember, “Clarity uber alles!” Clarity is king, above every other element of good writing. You cannot sacrifice clarity for anything!...

Well done, Jung Woo!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Benedict 

http://apply.heraldstudy.com/proofreading_committee.asp

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